discovery
September 2008 
Remembering to breathe
Posted on May 15th, 2008
by 
Jake
Jake
It's easy to forget to spend quiet time in the solace of my own self.
When I moved to Boulder from Boston, I left behind friends and loved ones in search of a space of my own, a space where I could return to the passions and interests that fuel me, rediscover myself as an individual person, and seek the wisdom that comes from the quietude of being by oneself.
But it didn't quite happen that way. I found very close friendship quickly with just a few people, the kind where hours slip by in easy, enjoyable, comfortable conversation. And I quickly learned to expect that level of interaction, that level of interpersonal stimulation. I fell in love with being around loved ones.
About the time of my birthday, that changed, and I lost that daily interaction - so I threw myself into work, into play, into interaction with other people nearby... by the following weekend, I'd worn myself out perhaps more completely than any other time in my life. I hadn't stopped in weeks. I hadn't breathed. I hadn't taken time alone with my thoughts, in that shadowed, scary place where self-doubts and gnawing anxieties arise.
Our relationships are best when they are like two flames warming and dancing with each other, but drawing from their own fuel. When I use my friendships to replace my own lack of energy, or inspiration, or spiritual fuel, I drain them.. I diminish their glow. And the same happens when they do it to me.
I've found it hard sometimes to see that point when things cross over, because it isn't always something that you see in relationship. Oftentimes, you see it when you're alone. Perhaps craving attention, wishing someone was around to whom you could talk - about anything - the weather even. When you don't let yourself take that time, you don't even see it.
But in the past few weeks, both by choice and by necessity, I've spent more time breathing, more time remembering being happy and comfortable by myself. It feels good. Spacious.. as if the world is opening up an array of opportunities to me and simply saying - take your time... choose well.
I don't mind hanging out by myself. It brings me back to my center.
Access: Public
Hi Jake,
You know, after having periods of time in my life where I was alone, I discovered quite a bit that I did not know. I did find I really like my company, most of the time:) One of my discoveries is that others are not there to take care of my needs (though it is nice to share the duties), it is really up to me. Now, I appreciate, value, embrace and desire both my needs for solitary and companionship, (almost) without attachment.
From this developed a project for my students; I call it a “self-date” activity where they take themselves on a date without kids, friends, pets, and are allowed one turned-off cell phone. (My favorite story is the woman with 6 children; she took the entire weekend off and asked if I would pllleeeeaaasssse assign this again :) I smiled, said her semester assignment was to take herself out at least once a month, and then told her she could give this to herself anytime.)
The responses are enlightening, for me and themselves. Some regularly dated themselves, some had never done this, loved it, and planned to incorporate more self-dates into their lives, some hated it and vowed never to do this again, and then there are the ones who never even attempted the assignment. I often wonder about the last two…
hugs and peaches,
Sprite
This is inspiring, especially at a time when I'm learning to lead an independent life in this current chapter of my existence. Thanks!
jake… i love this. it has great meaning for me.
(just as a side note… i did NOT know you were in Boston before Boulder!! now that could have been a great topic to discuss this past weekend!!!)